In the year of our Lord, two thousand and two, a great war broke out between the greater and lesser countries of the Earth.
The great war spanned five major world conflicts, over a span of 11 months, ending in January of two thousand and three.
There were many major and minor Presidents, Kings, Caliphates and Chancellors who played roles in these wars, but only four – the four major powers – claimed victory during the wars.
Emperor Hashish Jordan of Europe – winner of a small battle known as “Affirmative Action”, and a major war known as “The Final Strike”
President David Kenninghall of the United States of America – winner of the first major battle of the great war, “The Mahaparthaban”
Ojax, The Maharaja of India – winner of the battle of referred to as “Against All Odds”.
Caliph Akim Ibn-Allah of Egypt, winner of the final battle of the great war, The battle of “Persistence”.
This blog will recount the epic tale of each of these 5 battles, using the only remaining written text ever discovered – “The History of the World” – widely believed to have written by The Maharaja of India himself. This document is the only known chronicle of the events of the great war.
The first great battle is recounted below.
March 24th, 2002 “The Mahaparthaban”
There had been a tenuous peace holding in the world, and the major powers had known great prosperity. Libations flowed, and hedonism ruled. One of the most popular leaders of the pre-war era, a man the records refer to as “Party”, thrived. His devotion to global entertainment, and hosting the world’s elite were the stuff of legend. However, he sensed that things were changing.
“My world, this world of excess, is come to an end, I must find refuge in South America – and retire to my ways, away from the power hungry elite”.
Alas, Master Party would not escape the ides of war.
In the cold wet month of March, a rich and ambitious young warlord, known only as “The Earth Shatterer” made a bold decision. In his home lands, he had amassed an incredibly large and well equipped army, and in his young, impetuous manner, secretly declared to his generals that he would set out to destroy the Caliph Akim Ibn-Allah, and claim the vast oil resources of the region for himself. Scholars widely view this as the incendiary incident that sparked the flames of the great war.
The Earth Shatterer quickly launched a surprise offensive against Akim Ibn-Allah’s forces in the Middle EAst. The Earth Shatterer’s army quickly decimated the armies of the Caliph in a series of attacks, but he was unable to defeat the Ibn-Allah, and he hesitated, stopping all offensives in the region, and setting up defensive positions throughout the whole of the Middle East and Eurasia, spreading his forces thin.
Akim Ibn-Allah, long despising the paganism of India and the East, used his vast wealth to quickly amass a new army, re-establish his strength in the Middle East, and used the new threat of war to carry out his holy crusade to convert all of India to the doctrine of the 6% Nation. Scholars are clear that Ibn-Allah made a mistake when he chose to do this, instead of retaliate against The Earth Shatterer. However, until his death at age 97, Ibn-Allah maintains the it was the right thing to do. It was God’s will. Further, he felt that he should have moved to destroy The Maharajah sooner, thus fulfilling his destiny as “The Hand of the Prophet”, as revealed to him in dream. Alas, his crusade was unsuccessful, and his empire lay in ruins. Every scholar since agrees that Akim Ibn-Allah was not prepared to win any major battles at this early juncture of the war, and indeed, may have been schizophrenic.
Meanwhile, yet another petty third world dictator, Gurbaxe of Nigeria, decided to enter into the fray. Long known as a hot headed, impulsive tyrant, Gurbaxe set his eyes upon the largest economy of the known world – The United States of America. Having already smashed most of Africa under his iron fist, he planned a series of terror attacks on the great nation of the US, designed to incite fear and destroy the economy.
US President David W. Kenninghall – in his second term, and riding a huge wave of popular support – used the terror attacks to justify his own personal agenda. President Kenninghall was a notorious playboy, and was very often seen at the outrageous events thrown by Master Party. Of course, Master Party, wise in the arts of espionage, had managed to secure some very compromising video of Kenninghall on his party yacht, with several young women who were not the First Lady. As such, Kenninghall’s true agenda was to assassinate Master Party, and get the tapes – and he would use the pretense of war to justify it.
President Kenninghall, quickly realizing that he needs to eliminate the Gurbaxe threat before he can pursue Master Party, mobilizes his advanced air strikes against Gurbaxe’s archaic African army. Within hours, Gurbaxe’s forces lay in ruins, and the dictator himself disappears.
While these events were taking place, Ojax, the Maharajah of India – and a known pacifist – chose not to act. Indeed, scholars uniformly agree that if Ojax had used his vast wealth and large forces in Eurasia, he could have expanded his sphere of influence, and conquered 18 possible states of the region, solidifying his hold on what could have been the greatest empire of the era. Instead, he simply watched as President Kenninghall’s drunken abuse of power served his own twisted personal agendas.
President Kenninghall launched his first offensive against Master Party in South America, in the late spring. To his surprise, his forces suffered major loses, as Master Party’s many friends in the region came to his aid. However, due to the US’s inexhaustible wealth, Kenninghall simply ‘cashed in’ and sent more troops, crushing Master Party’s “Good times” empire in South America. Cunningly, Master Party was able to gather his blackmail video, and large sum of wealth, and his entourage of women, and escaped with his life, and fled to Ural. From there, President Kenninghall’s forces blasted the remnants of Gurbaxe’s army in Africa, still searching for the Master Party.
In what can be seen as a long awaited war, Kenninghall was forced to fight Ibn-Allah in the Middle East in order to push through to Ural, where the CIA had told him Master Party was hiding.
The US utterly annihilated the already weakened forces of Ibn-Allah, and the 6% Nation was laid to waste. Ibn-Allah fled the region, and disappeared for months. Many sources say he devoted his time to writing down the voices speaking to him in dreams, and that he later recorded these texts as a rap album entitle “State of Emergency”, referencing the great wars of the era.
Kenninghall meanwhile, saw his ultimate goal at hand, and played his hand. Instead of launching a full scale assault on Ojax in India, and setting up supply lines, he simply hand picked a small team of skilled assassins to sneak into Ural, kill Master Party’s entourage, retrieve the videos, and bring kill Master Party. Indeed, everything went according to plan, except one thing that Kenninghall did not anticipate…..
Kenninghall’s team of assassins moved in and killed all of Master Party’s entourage, secured the original tapes, however, Master Party’s espionage training once again ensured he was two steps ahead of the drunken Kenninghall.
Master Party, sensing that the game was about to end for him, leaked the video to the internet via Napster (side note: this is widely considered the very first celebrity sex tape and was downloaded by millions of internet users all over the world). Master Party tagged the video, stating that President Kenninghall was seeking to kill him, and that if he was ever not found again, the whole world would know who did it.
The whole world was calling for President Kenninghall to step down as President, but he Kenninghall continued to deny the tapes, saying “he did not have sexual relations with those girls….” Master Party, much like Ibn-Allah, disappeared from public life, but continued to make his presence known as a founding father of the dark-net, as the username “bangth3party” – where he created an online porn empire.
Kenninghall effectively destroyed his enemies, and as a side effect, boosted the US economy through war. Despite the scandal, he remained in power and continued to lead the US through the great wars. Scholars agree, President Kenninghall won the first major battle of the great war.